SETTING BOUNDARIES WITHOUT GUILT

November 7, 2018

 

Some of the problem could be wanting to feel loved or accepted. If the child retaliates against a boundary the consequence could be the child’s silent treatment, anger, rage or revenge. So the parent wanting to be loved and accepted doesn’t want conflict so they give in. It’s harder to stand your ground and keep those boundaries rather than be the parent that says yes all the time especially if a child or adult child throws a tantrum. So it’s easier parenting to let them do what they want than to engage in a battle of sorts. Parents usually are brought into the child’s or adult child’s interrogation room with the light bulb shining in their faces. This space becomes a way of exhausting the parent into giving in because they become coerced into surrender. The child can do it in many ways...rage, accusations, revenge, silent treatment, comparing their parenting skills with other parents. Jane’s parents allow her to go, you are so old fashion, Ann’s parents buy her anything she wants, none of my friend’s parents are like you. So the easy route is to have no conflict but the tough route is to say no because the interrogation room is just around the corner. When the parent needs to say no but doesn’t there are always consequences involved. Saying no is not only beneficial to the parent but also to the child if it is done with pure motives. The consequence of always saying yes even to the point of harm to a child will potentially allow a child to grow up selfish or narcissistic. Narc parents say no for the fun of it to see the child suffer even though the child has done nothing wrong. It is to make the child feel guilty for breathing. Or worse case they hit or whip the child for the fun of it.

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